Exorcising Loneliness
It is said that once people reach their 30's or 40's, it gets harder for them to make friends. In my experience, it happened much sooner. I find myself in my 30s, lonelier than anyone I know, which is quite something concerning the fact that I don't know that many people anymore. I take my computer to work in caffees, to have a simulation of socialness, by having someone to order from, and by having people to look at. Today, I see a person in a caffee sitting by her computer and doing her work. The worst thing is, I am not even curious anymore. It's interesting to look at people from far, but I am not motivated to actually talk to them.
Should today be different?
[[Yes, I will start the contact with the person by catching her eyes and sending a smile.]]
[[No. I will look at her when she doesn't see me.]]
[[Yes. I will summon up my effort to go over and attempt to start a conversation.]] I am occasionally glancing at her, but each time I do she seems really focused on her work. Each time I look over there, she is either reading with her eyes quickly glancing between rows of text and scrolling, or typing really fast, as if she is translating a text perhaps. Only occasionally, she looks through the window and does not seem to be noticing anybody else.
Then a thought appears, if she catches me just staring at her waiting for our eyes to meet, I will come across as a stalking weirdo, and that would achieve just the opposite effect.
[[I must find some other tactique.]]
[[I will not find another tactique, if it's meant to be, it will happen. ->Nevermind, put my eyes back into the computer.]]Exactly. I wouldn't wanna make too much of an effort and come on too strong. Making too much effort is exactly what got me into this asocial conundrum, always trying to please, wearing my heart on a sleeve, and ending up hurt each and every time 'cause people are scavengers. Well, most of them are.
I continue typing on my computer until I notice, with a side of my eye, that she keeps glancing my way.
Why is she doing that? Could she be observing me just in the same way I was observing her?
[[Attempt to catch her by looking at her while she is looking at me->Yes, I will start the contact with the person by catching her eyes and sending a smile.]]
[[Nevermind, put my eyes back into the computer.]]
Yeah, but how?
Maybe I can ask something neutral to start with?
I know!
[[Go over, ask if she's "also" having problems with the Wifi.]]
[[Go over, say Hi and ask her if she comes there often. ]]
[[Go over and trust that something right will come out of my mouth.]]
Surely, there are ways I can draw attention to myself.
I change my posture. But that does nothing.
I clear my throat, but not like Im sick, rather like I just read something interesting.
She suddenly changes her posture. Did she just mirror me, sygnaling she's also curious about me?
[[ Yes. It's already working. I can now advance into more direct invitation to connect.]]
[[ I wish she did something. If she could only take the lead somehow. ]] She exists the bar, heads to the right and I try to be as invisible as I can and follow her footsteps. I've never done this before.
I am far enough to be able to blend in with the rest of the people on the moderately busy street, but near enough to hear her phone ringing and see her picking it up. I need to come closer to hear what it's about.
Yes?...
This is she.
Sorry, what is this about?
Where did you get my number? You may not call me anymore. Thank you bye!
She abruptly ended the call. Well this is interesting. Someone is harassing her! I guess I'm not the only one!
[[I don't want to be another name on the list of her harassers. ->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
[[I keep following her.]]
Why am I so clumsy? Off course I accidentally swoop the table with my bag and knock the glass to the floor, the glass shatters into pieces. Well she notices that! But, she smiles. Eye contact! She is looking at me now! What do I do?
[[Smile and say Whooops]]
[[This is not the way I wanted to introduce myself.]] Time passes, I get busy following random links into the abyss and occasionally get some work done. Eventually, I get tired of sitting. My coffee cup is empty and I am way too jittery to get another one. I wish I could just burst into peaces and initiate my own little Universe like some black star. The girl is getting ready to leave. What do I do?
[[ Pay and leave. Be subtle 'cause I'm about to follow this girl and see where it takes me.]]
[[Pay and head for the door, hopeing we bump into each other or she notices me now .]]
[[Wait untill she leaves and leave my own way ->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]What a mess I've made. I better clean this up. I start picking up the bigger broken pieces.
The waiter notices me and takes my place with his cleaning equipment. The girls and my eyes meet as I'm stepping away.
The short moment when our eyes meet again I confirm that my curisity for this person was a fruitful guess. This is a highly interesting individual. Did she just see me the way I saw her?
[[I need to know more about her.]]
[[I wonder is she thinks I'm as cool as I find her.]] She catches your naughty vibe, smiles at you sympathetically, and you feel the possibilities that arise from simple random meetings like this one.
Serendipity, maybe. But is it meaningful?
You smile back at her again and this time she looks away, ready to exit the caffee.
[[This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
[[What if I followed her? -> Pay and leave. Be subtle 'cause I'm about to follow this girl and see where it takes me.]]
She rises her eyes from the screen of her computer, looking quite puzzled at you, but sooner than you know it, she says:
Sorry, I really need to focus on my work.
[[ Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to interrupt your workflow. Just wanted to say hi to a fellow freelancer. ]]
[[ Oh okay, sorry, good luck working! ->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]] Everything is sharper than it usually is as you approach her and she sees you obviously standing next to her table, wanting to talk to exactly her.
Hey! So, ummm, I was wondering, I am a freelancer and often work in caffees, are you also that?
Sorry, what?
I mean, do you also come to work in caffees like I do?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now! Why?
Well...I was wondering how's that working out for you?
It's quite alright actually... I like my freedom!
Yeah, I like that, too.
There is still a question mark on her face that could easily turn into something good or bad if you don't say something immediately.
Do you:
[[Ask her if she's available to have a coffee some time when she's not working? Just to exchange experiences.]]
[[ Say that you wanted to say hi to a fellow freelancer and that you don't wanna interrupt her workflow anymore. -> Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to interrupt your workflow. Just wanted to say hi to a fellow freelancer. ]] This is the moment I'll do my seductive walk over to the counter and ask for another coffee. She may check me out now, and if she does, it's a deffinite sign I can approach her.
As I'm trying to simultaneously walk seductively and check if she's checking me out without being too obvious about any of this, I notice she is in fact, checking me out.
Now's the moment!
[[Go over, ask if she's "also" having problems with the Wifi.]]
[[Go over, say Hi and ask her if she comes there often. ]]
[[Go over and trust that something right will come out of my mouth.]] You sit, and wait and keep sending sygnals she can copy, and you try being invisible in catching her attention while also catching glimpses of her to see if she is as interesting as you paint her to be, but slowly, she seems completely into her own work like you're not even there and you start thinking you've imagined it all.
[[ Oh well. I do have a rich imagination. ->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]This goes a little too well. She smiles the most friendly smile ever and you're delighted. But then she says:
"Oh my Wifi's working just fine. I'd gladly look into your settings and see if something's off. Do you mind?
You're enjoying this moment of such immidiate response so much that you don't have the means to stop it. You hear yourself saying:
"Oh...sure why not."
As she pops over to your table and sits by the computer she immediately notices that there's nothing wrong with your Wifi.
Realising she just caught you in a lie, you:
[[ Pretend Wifi just came back and say: Oh, what magic hands you have! You made it go back as soon as you sat there.]]
[[ Whooops, and wink at her finishing off with a cheeky smile so that she deffinitely gets the picture.]] She puzzles for 0.5 seconds or even less, and gives you a look that pierces right through you.
Is this it, did you ruin it?
She bursts into laughter:
Well this is the cheesiest, sleasiest attempt to get me into a conversation ever! And you've had quite a competition!
You're a little confused, but this is what you wanted: you have her attention. What are you gonna do with it now?
On a side note, she seems super brave and smart, and she doesn't beat around the bush. Just in case you knew whom you are dealing with.
Are you gonna hold up your end of the deal? How do you continue this bombastic introduction?
[[I didn't actually think that far. My shyness just kicks in. Also, to be crowned as the winner in a cheasiness contest isn't exactly what I was going for. I stutter something barely intellegible to her.]]
[[This is what dreams are made of. You say: Well, I'm honoured to take that place, almost as honored as to have an opportunity to talk to someone who actually appriciates a finely tuned cheesy opener.]]
That's what happens when I drink too much coffee and get lost in my work!
You say outloud, hoping she will recognise herself in these words and connect to you.
She smiles at you sympathetically, and you feel the possibilities that arise from simple random meetings like this one.
Serendipity, maybe. But is it meaningful?
You smile back at her again and this time she looks away, ready to exit the caffee.
[[This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
[[What if I followed her? -> Pay and leave. Be subtle 'cause I'm about to follow this girl and see where it takes me.]] Even is she did catch you in a lie, she doesn't seem to notice or she doesn't seem to mind. Both suit you fine. For now.
So she smiles at you and says:
Well, then my work here is done.
But you don't want this interaction to end.
So you say:
[[Hey, since you're so great with computers, do you have a card in case I run into some other computer related issues in the future?-> Okay, well, I won't disturb you any longer, do you have a contact I could reach you on?]]
It's hard to start a conversation with people without sounding like a weirdo or a creep. Maybe next time I see her she remembers me and we get to a point where we could actually start a conversation.
One of these days I'm gonna find people who will see me for who I am. There must be other ones, equally trying to break out of this prison. We will recognise each other and join in the efforts of being there for one another. Until then, I will stick to my values and strive to be a better human in any way I can.
You slowly get ready to get on with your day.
Who knows what other chances await you?
As you compare your features and draft up opinions on who's cooler than the other and how you two measure up, the moment passes and she exits the bar.
You're left with bleeding hands and a semi-bleeding heart, but you don't notice the latter.
And the bleeding hands are so much easier to fix anyway.
As you get some attention from the waiter, you satisfy the base hunger for human interaction, and even if it's fine now, for a while, you know it won't fix the emptiness you carry inside, which somehow, against the laws of physics, keeps getting heavier.
One day perhaps, it will get solved.
But for now, you get a band-aid and everything seems alright as you march into the rest of your day, looking for the next best thing. Wondering who that was who just called her, you almost get caught as she suddenly turns your direction and looks at something in the distance. She doesn't seem to be noticing you. That is somewhat dissapointing, you think to yourself. Are you that invisible?
On the other hand, being invisible is handy in this situation.
Anyhow, you continue following her as she turns into a less crowded street. Well, if she turned now, it would be harder to blend in cause there's noone to blend in with any longer.
Alas, that's just what happens.
She suddenly stops in front of a building entrance, and she searches for her bag for keys, you presume.
What do you do?
[[Keep walking. Pretend you're just randomly here on your own route that has nothing to do with her. Avoid eye contact.->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
[[Keep walking and do make eye contact as you pass her.]]
[[Keep walking and as she sees you, say: oh wow, what a coincidence us two drinking coffee in the same place and walking in the same street! And this is where you live!]]
Awww, that's alright, I'm just really busy now. Good luck to you!
Sure. Good luck with your work! And see you around.
[[ You head back to your seat. ->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
She takes the card, looks at it, her eyes smile in wonder, and she says wow! I didn't know you were a (imagine her saying whatever your occupation is). Lovely! So nice to meet you!
Likewise, my pleasure, and wish you a nice working day. -you say and you're almost shocked at how well this went. Maybe it's good to break out of routines and reach out. You never know what hands will be there on the other side to catch you.
Off course, one should also be careful. She could still be a scavenger, but this is a nice start and you feel hopeful again. Maybe there are some nice people out there after all.
You go back to your table, pick your stuff up and get ready to leave.
This day has already been full of surprises.
And you just got hungry for more. Ummmm... She hesitates.
By the look on her face you notice that she's not into sharing her personal info just like that.
Whatever sympathies she might have felt budding towards you might have just been shattered with one tiny inch of doubt.
Time to quickly fix this?
You say:
[[ Sorry, that's a bit hasty of me. I will leave you work now and hope to see you again soon.-> Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't want to interrupt your workflow. Just wanted to say hi to a fellow freelancer. ]]
[[ You wait until she says it. If it's a clear-cut no, you wanna hear her say it. ]]
You mean like a freelancer to a freelancer kind of a thing? Us freelancers sticking together?
She's actually quite funny. You like how she turns a heavy topic into something light and everyday-like.
Yes, exactly like that! You smile at her, and she smiles back saying:
Sure, why not.
It sounds like you should take the invisible hint here, respect her space and leave her to work in peace.
What do you say?
[[ Alright, well, here's my card, feel free to add me on your preferred network and hope to see you around.]]
[[ Okay, well, I won't disturb you any longer, do you have a contact I could reach you on?]]It seems that the pause during which you allowed her to finish her line of thoughts helped to salvage the situation, and the moment has been sour only for a slight second.
I don't usually do this, you know.
Talk to people?
She laughs.
She has a heart, after all.
Yeah, I see your point. Alright, here's how you can find me, this is my insta handle...But don't stalk the hell out of me now!
You laugh. You won't notice a thing, you say conspicously.
Now is deffinitely a good time to let her be.
This is a nice start and you feel hopeful again. Maybe there are some nice people out there after all.
You go back to your table, pick your stuff up and get ready to leave.
This day has already been full of surprises.
And you just got hungry for more.
She sees you but she doesn't recognise you.
Isn't it great to be invisible now?
It would have been awkward if she realised who you were.
You walk past her and you hear the doors closing tightly.
Maybe she did notice you after all.
Were you the creepy person right now?
Let's hope she has a weak memory. Otherwise, this might not be the best way to make new friends if that truely was your intention.
What did you want out of all of this anyway? You have got to admitt this was the absolute worst and in a way, best possible thing to say in this situation.
It sure paints you as someone who isn't invisible and who is deffinitely a force to be reckoned with.
But will this play out in the way you two connect or not is now entirely up to what this person's needs are. Does she need a fair share of excitement and is she willing to make risks? You sure didn't come across as a vanilla lover.
Let's assume she likes to play it safe and isn't looking for an interesting killer today.
As she looks at you, and she is obviously startled, you know this was as good as it got.
She closes the door of the entrance in your face without telling you a word.
This was your run. And this is how you ended it.
Sorry, I don't know why I just said that. - You hear yourself utter an appology for being a little weird.
She sighs outloud as if she's heard this a lot of times and says: alright kiddo. Be kind kind to yourself.
She's got no time for this kind of fooling around yet she is being nice about it, making you feel seen.
What a nice person!
It's hard to start a conversation with people without sounding like a weirdo or a creep. Maybe next time I see her she remembers me and we get to a point where we could actually start a conversation.
One of these days I'm gonna find people who will see me for who I am. There must be other ones, equally trying to break out of this prison. We will recognise each other and join in the efforts of being there for one another. Until then, I will stick to my values and strive to be a better human in any way I can.
You slowly get ready to get on with your day.
Who knows what other chances await you? She pauses looking at you in wonder, and finally says through a cheeky smile:
Modesty is not your strong side, but you win at catching attention.
As cute as this was, I gotta head back to actually work...See you around.
And she turns and leaves you back to your own devices.
One small step for humanity, but a huge one for me.
[[This seems to be it.->This was as good as it could get. I better get on with the rest of my day.]]
↶↷Exorcising Loneliness
It is said that once people reach their 30's or 40's, it gets harder for them to make friends. In my experience, it happened much sooner. I find myself in my 30s, lonelier than anyone I know, which is quite something concerning the fact that I don't know that many people anymore. I take my computer to work in caffees, to have a simulation of socialness, by having someone to order from, and by having people to look at. Today, I see a person in a caffee sitting by her computer and doing her work. The worst thing is, I am not even curious anymore. It's interesting to look at people from far, but I am not motivated to actually talk to them.
Should today be different?
Yes, I will start the contact with the person by catching her eyes and sending a smile.
No. I will look at her when she doesn't see me.
Yes. I will summon up my effort to go over and attempt to start a conversation.